Hate Football? Three Neat Alternatives When Football-Watching is Just Not Your Thing

We'll be upfront about this: we love the game of football. But we also love peanut butter-and-baloney sandwiches. Which is to say, we do accept the concept of 'to each, her own.' Still, it's easier to avoid peanut butter-and-baloney sandwiches than those endless football games that haunt your TV screen week after week, month after month, for roughly half of the year.

Nevertheless, nothing will convince you to stop fighting it, learn to understand the game of football, and cheer along with the rest of them. Your mother always did say you were stubborn. Of course, there's always luncheon with the girls, a cruise through the mall, or perhaps a weekend in the Islands.

Although, since the NFL football schedule lasts from August pre-season through the February Super Bowl, these options are likely to leave you either broke or homesick. Maybe both. And speaking of the latter, stubborn soul that you are, you are quite likely resistant to being driven from your home, Islands or no Islands.

Fear not. We've got you covered.

First, you need to lay down some ground rules. The football watchers are on their own. They will have to get their own beers and make the phone call to the pizza guy. Leaving you free to explore one or more of the following alternatives:

  • 1.) Pamper yourself. Set up a little spa in your bedroom, slather on the mudpack, finish reading that book you haven't had time for. A pitcher of martinis goes well with this option. Don't forget the olives.
  • 2.) Be selective with your invitations. When you (or your beloved) invite the gang over for some football-watching, be sure to screen the invitees to include some fellow football-haters. As they arrive, you can cull out your like-minded crew, demand the sound on the TV be turned down to an acceptable level, retire to a separate room and, for the next two hours or so, complain about those football-obsessed Neanderthals drooling in front of the TV. A pitcher of martinis goes well with this option, too. Feel free to skip the olives.
  • 3.) Put on a show. This is another group activity that you may consider combining with Alternative # 2. During the first half of the football game, begin rehearsing a half-time show. Go all out. Wear costumes. Like maybe NFL football jerseys and – that's it: just NFL football jerseys. Which, frankly, works best if your crew is in reasonably good shape. Then, when half-time comes, bring it! Actually, if your crew is in exceptionally good shape, the second half may become irrelevant.
  • And. . . okay, okay. We know you have absolutely, positively decided not to learn about football. But – uh – wouldn't it be a hoot if you learned just enough to be able to saunter by the TV in that NFL jersey and casually throw out a comment that will freak them out?

    Like, "They'll never make it to the playoffs if they can't convert in the red zone." Or "Two feet and they're not gonna go for it? Wimps!"

    This is stuff you could learn during your first-half jam session. No kidding.

    Or – hey, just enjoy the mudpack. And the olives.

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